Why Did I Give In?

Oh yeah... Cause it's better for the girls. I think. Well, it was definitely the best decision I could have made at the time. I give in and be agreeable and compromise and act like the violence never happened. And the girls get to stay living with me and in the meantime, they try to develop a relationship with him with the help of a therapist twice a month. I think that was the best choice for the girl's well being considering the alternative was possibly them being taken from me. 

But I'm a wreck. Spiraling downhill. Not doing so well now that he has constant access to me once again and the tools to manipulate. I'm back in that trap that I fought so hard to escape from. The only difference is now he does it through emails and text messages and in person  and using the girls as weapons to abuse me.  Is he going to get the therapist on his side too?  The lies... Oh the lies just kill me. Just sucked me back in to that mentally and emotionally damaging headspace. 

I know it was the best decision I could make for the girls considering the circumstances, but it was definitely not a good decision for me. 

I tried. I am trying to cooperate. I am really trying. I don't know how much longer I can do this. Well, for 6 more years I guess. The question is:  Do I relent and play along and fake it that I'm alright and everything is going to be just fine and hope for the best?  Or do I keep a reminder for the girls to be careful and not end up manipulated like their older half-sister?

Playing along is easier for the girls. But the damage in the long run may not be worth it. I'm hurting the girls no matter which way I choose.   :(

Court is Done

Court is done. I went in super confident and asked for the nine items I wanted. I got all of them. Only had to compromise on a few dates and times for visitation. 

Seriously, yay court is done!  I have a new mindset that we just need to stop being drama between the two of us and focus on A&J. Although the girls are not 100% convinced, I figure time will help. He just needs to prove himself. Nothing to do with me. 

Hopefully it all gets better. :)

I Read the Report. It's not good.

The art of lying should be an Olympic event. It takes a lot of practice and not everyone is meant to be great at it. But there are those few people that could win a gold medal for it. 

I read the evaluator's report yesterday. It was full of lies. I can't believe some of the stuff that was in there. Makes me think I should have been meaner. I guess I can say I should have done a bunch more stuff. Should have turned in more paperwork should have said more things. Given more examples. But our time was limited. I'm being punished because I'm an honest person.

I seriously could have saved myself a lot of stress and hours of driving and doctors appointments and money and just given him weekend visitations way back 3-1/2 years ago.  It's the same result we're getting now. Once again, he sounds like the normal guy and I sound like the crazy person. I thought this time this doctor was good enough and wouldn't be fooled. I was wrong. 

I'm disappointed: They found me at fault. I'm relieved: The girls still live with me. I'm sad: The difference between bad parenting and child abuse is whether or not the kid is practically dead and you have photos to prove it. I'm trying to stay positive: Hopefully the girls now have tools to keep them safe. 

I'm not even with him anymore. I escaped years ago. He's still able to control me and manipulate me and mess with my head.  He made that report sound like I'm making it all up. His witnesses collaborate his story. How do people lie so easily?

It's no wonder I have trust issues. Apparently you can't even trust the justice system that is supposed to be protecting you. I feel stuck. I can't help them anymore. I don't know what to do. 

The Report is Finished

The evaluators office called me this afternoon. 

The report is finished. 

Tomorrow I'm going to drive up to OC and read the opinion of a professional on who my kids should live with and how much access their abusive father should have to them. 

Nervous...

Last Visitation

Today was the last visitation before the court hearing. 

I've been pretty anxious the past couple of weeks.

12 days left. Panic has finally set in. 

More Documentation - Will it make a difference?

Had a sit down with my therapist yesterday after the evaluator's office called me to discuss the upcoming court report.  I basically rattled on and on to him about the fact that my unfortunate perfectionism traits are affecting how I'm suddenly panicking that I didn't send the court evaluator all the documentation I should have and that if the court custody case goes wrong, it will be due to the fact that I didn't provide enough proof. 

This is of course, a silly notion, since the evaluator had probably already decided what he will write back in December and any additional paperwork I attempt to send now (or even a month ago) is most likely just backup examples with dates on them. 

So even though I know this to be true, that didn't stop me from sending out 3 letters this week with more proof. 

The stress is slowly creeping up.

It's Okay for Me to Over Analyze the Outcome

I've been dragged through four tired and confused judges, just as many attorneys, more therapists than I can count, supervisors, non-supervisors, supposed professional opinions, and mountains of paperwork over the last 3+ years. 

I know how this works. I'm not naive to the complexity and outrageousness of the court system when it comes to custody cases. 

Although I appreciate all the hopeful opinions, thoughts, blessings and positive outlooks, please don't discount that I'm dubious of the judge's unpredictable reactions being positive and I'm trying to prepare for the worst case scenario. Please don't tell me I'm wrong to think that it may not go my way. Please don't act frustrated when I am stressing out that I may lose my kids due to the fallacies in the court system.  

These are all real possibilities.  I just want to be able to deal with whatever is going to negatively happen instead of suffer disappointment from too much hope. 

I do appreciate your hope, though, that everything works out. Yes, please continue to shower me with it. But accept my worry and obsession over the possibly negative, horrible outcome.  

You don't need to try to make me feel better.  You don't have to say anything.  Just accept it. Please. 

February

This blog has been under-utilized lately. Actually I kind of forgot about it. 

He's been a crazy person lately, as usual. But I don't want to talk about that. 

I just realized this morning that it's already February. Sigh, February.  22 days until court. Twenty-two. Maybe that's why the stress has been creeping up, unbeknownst to my conscious self. 

I still have paperwork to turn in. Hopefully it's not too late. Although I'm not sure if it will really make a difference... Or else that's just an excuse to justify why I haven't turned it in yet. 

Time to Focus.