Why Did I Give In?

Oh yeah... Cause it's better for the girls. I think. Well, it was definitely the best decision I could have made at the time. I give in and be agreeable and compromise and act like the violence never happened. And the girls get to stay living with me and in the meantime, they try to develop a relationship with him with the help of a therapist twice a month. I think that was the best choice for the girl's well being considering the alternative was possibly them being taken from me. 

But I'm a wreck. Spiraling downhill. Not doing so well now that he has constant access to me once again and the tools to manipulate. I'm back in that trap that I fought so hard to escape from. The only difference is now he does it through emails and text messages and in person  and using the girls as weapons to abuse me.  Is he going to get the therapist on his side too?  The lies... Oh the lies just kill me. Just sucked me back in to that mentally and emotionally damaging headspace. 

I know it was the best decision I could make for the girls considering the circumstances, but it was definitely not a good decision for me. 

I tried. I am trying to cooperate. I am really trying. I don't know how much longer I can do this. Well, for 6 more years I guess. The question is:  Do I relent and play along and fake it that I'm alright and everything is going to be just fine and hope for the best?  Or do I keep a reminder for the girls to be careful and not end up manipulated like their older half-sister?

Playing along is easier for the girls. But the damage in the long run may not be worth it. I'm hurting the girls no matter which way I choose.   :(